Let me introduce myself. Who am I again?

Hi. My name is Amanda.  I am a girl who has always struggled to maintain a work ethic that my family could be proud of.

Hi, My name is Amanda. I shirk the mantle of responsibility my family yokes on me unfairly, because I recognize that even if I did something amazing with my life- there would always be something my mom would see in me that needed fixing.

Hi, My name is Amanda. I'm a woman afraid of her own power. I am capable, I am intelligent, I am knowledgeable and artistic, and influential. Yet I am incapacitated by my own fear.

Hi, My name is Amanda. I despise the concept of taking ownership of "my own power"- because I know my own weakness. I refuse to make myself out to be something I'm not simply to acheive goals other people put in front of me, or  because I am attempting to cover up some insecurity that I harbor about myself. I don't want to be a millionaire, or a huge success, or make everyone else proud, while I lose myself, lose the chance to do something that makes me a better person. I don't want to climb over other people to make my life better, or to become so abrasive in order to acheive some personal perfection that I can't empathize with other people, and they can't empathize with me.I don't want to become soulless, broken, to become one dimensional, and lost.

Hi, My name is Amanda, secret overachiever. If I can't do it 100 percent well- I struggle to do it at all. I get an A or I get an F. I find it stomach turningly hard to maintain anything in between.

Hi, My name is Amanda. I am lazy. I think about doing things all the time- the laundry, the housework, searching for another job- but I'm tired. I do it for ten minutes, and then I get frustrated, and then I get bored, and then I give up.

Hi, My name is Amanda. I just want to love people. I find joy and enjoyment in watching people grow. The smallest story of redemption brings an upwelling of tears that I have a hard time keeping back. They aren't sad tears. They are very happy tears. Hearing about redemption reminds me of experiencing redemption in my own life- of a God that saves.

Hi, My name is Amanda. I'm not any of these things. I am all of these things. And I am afraid of ALL of these things. I don't know who I am. I know that there are some things I do really really well. And the rest of my life I feel like I don't do well at all.

Hi, I'd like to ...try...this...again. Like an AA meeting. Lets start with the things I know are true, when I break through all the lame psycho babble crap that I inundate life with on a regular basis to try to make sense of how I feel.

Okay.  Let me introduce myself again.

.

Hi...I'm Amanda. I'm Amanda Jean Yorke.

I am loved.
I am held
I mean something, because I was made by someone
to be special
to be funny. and quirky
to love a certain way, and be loved in return
to snort a little when I am caught off guard and laugh unexpectedly
to sometimes pretend I am in a music video when I am bored at work, and dance around the store as I put out inventory.
to help people.
to be helped by people in return
to be humbled
to want to keep being humbled.

I am not defined by what people think of me
I am not defined by what I think of myself
I am not defined by my acheievements
I am not defined by my failures
I am was created with purpose.
I was made with delight by a God who cherishes me.

I am defined by his love.

And he defines my practical world.

Hello, I am Amanda and I don't know who I am. I only know that I am loved. I only know that I am Held. I only know that I am His.

I struggle to know more....but maybe the point is, that right now....I am only meant to let THAT define me. To not be
"Amanda, the singer/workerbee/familymember/friend/patronsaintofeveryonebecauseIneedvalidation."

Maybe I just need to be broken down enough to be here, right now, meeting God in this moment.
Maybe he doesn't expect me to change the world, to get an amazing job, and be the modern day mother Teresa.

Maybe he just wants me to be His. To not be sidelined by a goal I'd run 100 percent after if I had one, or the job I'd blow him off for, or the pride I'd feel if I was prettier, or smarter, or more successful- the pride that could separate me from him.

Okay. So here I am. Amanda. Undefined, individual, jobless, dreamless.

Relearning what Hope looks like.

Jesus, keep waking me up. Keep teaching me. Keep me off kilter, until I find my center in you.
I confess that I struggle with my own hypocrisy on a day to day basis- that maybe I'm not representing you truly to the people in my life. Jesus- I thank you that, even though I am imperfect and weak- that you  always glorify yourself despite that- you provide hope and redemption through imperfect words, awkward moments, stilted conversation. I pray that I might learn how to operate in a way that defines YOU instead of me. Let me find a reality in you that satisfies my need for an identity by making YOU my indentity. My key stone. My foundation.

Amen.