When did this Hope plant its seed in my heart, and grow into my eyes, and my hands, and fill up my lungs?
When did I learn how to breathe in this way?
To look at the world and see hazy pastel sunsets and the soft generous curve of smiles,
and to smell rain, and the breezy kiss of sweet jasmine, and soft vital lavender,
and to become refreshed for no feasible reason?
When did this realization of Love so take me into itself that I woke up realizing that no matter how difficult life is, how flawed I am, how hopeless a situation appears- that I am irrevokably loved, and guided and protected, and met by my Creator?
When did you do this, my Love?
Did you shake me so softly awake that I didn't realize it?
Did you lift the veil from my eyes so slowly that I didn't realize I was blinking in the glow of sunlight streaming?
When I deserved nothing but recrimination, I was met with bewildering kindness.
When I deserved death and judgement, I was given made lovely, washed clean, kept close and safe.
I will not doubt you again.
Keep me upward gazing,my Heartsong. Be my hope planted Forever, Lord.
Amen.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
I wear a white dress, and I dance.
Today was a rough day.
It started off rough. It got rougher, and then when I just felt like giving up and freaking out and sitting down to watch tv and veg out and not give anymore of myself to anyone or anything, I realized the truth of it.
I was created for something more than a sleepless night of TV and the deadening of my heart to the voice of God.
And no matter how hard people, or stuff, or things were on me- nothing is going to drown out the truth that God doesn't think I'm a waste of space. He doesn't think I'm a disappointment. He's not keeping a score of my wrongdoings, my inaccuracies, of the things I've forgotten, or the things I am imcapable of doing. That is the Power of the Cross- when other people are keeping score - God is too busy looking at me- really SEEING me in all of my beauty as his creation- to take tally. Before the Cross- he couldn't even look at me, even when he longed to- I needed a justifier- a redeemer. Thank you Jesus! For that gift.
Because now, like a goldsmith at the fire- God's eye is not on the dross floating through, and out of me. He's keeping an eye on the fire- and on the umblemished beauty of the thing he is creating.
So-Today, when other people were disappointed in me, or wanted me to be more than I am- God wasn't.
And he isn't.
In earthly dad's eyes- I'm a disappointment.
But in my heavenly Father's eyes-I am a girl in a white dress, dancing before Him- imperfect, and stumbling- but trying. Laughing with the Joy of it. Longing for him to dance along side me.
And to God- that's enough. It's sweet to Him.
So, at the end of this day- I can still say that I am not a failure.
Oh no. Not this girl.
I am a fragrance of worship to the Lord.
When I need to be a success, I will be a success. When it glorifies God the most for me to succeed at something, I will shine so bright the stars will fade, dim in deference to sheer beauty of God's creation in me. The lily will blush, and the swan will duck its head. And it won't because of how great I am. It will be because of something unexplainably amazing about what God did in me and through me. People who are disappointed in me now won't know what to do except say "How did SHE do THAT?" And I will say " Yes- somehow, impossibly. And its because I am loved inspite of myself. And because God knew what he was doing in me when he made me. He knew what he was doing when he made you too."
Until then, I am content to raise up this frail little gift I have- to give this falling down broken and stumbling self to God, and say "Lord, make me new today."
Because he does. And he did. And he will again.
Lord- renew a right spirit in me. Clean hands, a pure heart....a humble spirit- keep creating them in me. And until that unknown day at the twilight of my life- when I wake up in your arms, and you smile down at me and say "My love, welcome home."- give me the courage to fight for your love the way you fought for mine.
Amen.
It started off rough. It got rougher, and then when I just felt like giving up and freaking out and sitting down to watch tv and veg out and not give anymore of myself to anyone or anything, I realized the truth of it.
I was created for something more than a sleepless night of TV and the deadening of my heart to the voice of God.
And no matter how hard people, or stuff, or things were on me- nothing is going to drown out the truth that God doesn't think I'm a waste of space. He doesn't think I'm a disappointment. He's not keeping a score of my wrongdoings, my inaccuracies, of the things I've forgotten, or the things I am imcapable of doing. That is the Power of the Cross- when other people are keeping score - God is too busy looking at me- really SEEING me in all of my beauty as his creation- to take tally. Before the Cross- he couldn't even look at me, even when he longed to- I needed a justifier- a redeemer. Thank you Jesus! For that gift.
Because now, like a goldsmith at the fire- God's eye is not on the dross floating through, and out of me. He's keeping an eye on the fire- and on the umblemished beauty of the thing he is creating.
So-Today, when other people were disappointed in me, or wanted me to be more than I am- God wasn't.
And he isn't.
In earthly dad's eyes- I'm a disappointment.
But in my heavenly Father's eyes-I am a girl in a white dress, dancing before Him- imperfect, and stumbling- but trying. Laughing with the Joy of it. Longing for him to dance along side me.
And to God- that's enough. It's sweet to Him.
So, at the end of this day- I can still say that I am not a failure.
Oh no. Not this girl.
I am a fragrance of worship to the Lord.
When I need to be a success, I will be a success. When it glorifies God the most for me to succeed at something, I will shine so bright the stars will fade, dim in deference to sheer beauty of God's creation in me. The lily will blush, and the swan will duck its head. And it won't because of how great I am. It will be because of something unexplainably amazing about what God did in me and through me. People who are disappointed in me now won't know what to do except say "How did SHE do THAT?" And I will say " Yes- somehow, impossibly. And its because I am loved inspite of myself. And because God knew what he was doing in me when he made me. He knew what he was doing when he made you too."
Until then, I am content to raise up this frail little gift I have- to give this falling down broken and stumbling self to God, and say "Lord, make me new today."
Because he does. And he did. And he will again.
Lord- renew a right spirit in me. Clean hands, a pure heart....a humble spirit- keep creating them in me. And until that unknown day at the twilight of my life- when I wake up in your arms, and you smile down at me and say "My love, welcome home."- give me the courage to fight for your love the way you fought for mine.
Amen.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Fragrance and Fire
Okay, so took my first guitar lesson. I forgot how strange and disorienting the first experience with an instrument of any kind is.
My voice was built in- but the process of beginning classical training was so overwhelming- the posture, the breathing, the strange language of music, the soft palate raised, the lip trills and the phonating in registers I didn't think I had.... I remember being so exhausted and exhilarated by the process. Oh the depths of dispair when I realized I would NEVER learn the full extent of my instrument, since the voice is ever evolving, ever changing physiologically, and we ever ever having to readjust, relearn, reinterpret instruction we've already learned. And oh the JOY! When I barrelled through the walls that separated me from the next breathlessly exhilarating musical moment.And Piano was a big flop for me, but it had its sparkle too! I just don't have the fingers for it, I think.
And now guitar- I can't believe how excited I am to just start it, like a little kid. Like my first day of classes as an official music student- I got to make music ALL DAY! And it was my JOB! I skipped to classes LITERALLY for my first semester even though those classes were so freaking hard, and I often left crying my eyes out. I also laughed my way out the any funk in the beginning because I was just so...grateful.
Grateful. To sing, and to make music. I'm making music!
I just get so emotional about this. I don't think people realize why. What it means to me, to know that when I open my mouth, and sing- its the sweet fragrance of worship to God- that he is pleased when I sing! And heaven hears, and the people around me hear- and I know miraculously that I'm not talking to them with my body but with my soul- and their souls are responding. I am the most human, the most me, the most free when I am making music and singing and fighting with myself and looking fear in the eye and moving past it into the music because its so worth that little war within me. Its just...crazy to me. So mind boggling.
And I've taken it for granted the last three years.Yes, I've been singing- but have I been SINGING? Have I worked to challenge myself to become a better singer, a better musician? Have I been willing to suffer to make it happen? I've been so paralyzed by fear- so fixated on my failures as a musician in music school, when all along this music in me has been just simmering under the surface, restless for release. I let the fire die a little- but the embers are still there. I only have to lay wood on the fire, and stoke the flame.
And I am becoming more and more resolved, with each passing day- to let it burn away.
I recently talked to a guy who literally does hard, metal working labor, does every odd gig that comes his way- just to pay rent, just so he can keep music alive in his life. He might have the life of a gypsy- but that gypsy heart is wise, because it knows where to find its nourishment. I listened to him talk, and I felt the twinge of conviction.
What excuse do I have? How can I not let music live in me? How can I not fight to keep this in my life?
Why am I so afraid to work for the one thing I absolutely know I want?
Here is the truth of it. God is not going to hand me the ability to play guitar- its not gonna land in my lap. I have calluses to build onto these abnormally small fingertips- muscle memory to build, guitar theory to learn. I have that terrifying moment of having to play infront of people before I feel like I really sound good- because its good for me to be a little uncomfortable- because it will make me a better musician.
And I have songs to write. In me. I've been afraid- but I think they're there. Who knows if they'll be good enough to let other people hear- but I shouldn't be afraid to write them out, and down, and to sing them. I shouldn't be afraid to enjoy the process, or to offer them up to the Lord as incense.
God is in the sweat, and toil, and tears that are coming. He's there on the other side of the brick walls I'm going to have to break through. He's in every coming success, and every coming failure.
Pray for me friends- because I'm gonna let this fire burn, I'm giving this up to God to release in me, and I don't know what its going to look like - I don't know what any of this means yet, really. I just know God's doing something in me that feels...big.
And I'm SO EXCITED!!!!
My voice was built in- but the process of beginning classical training was so overwhelming- the posture, the breathing, the strange language of music, the soft palate raised, the lip trills and the phonating in registers I didn't think I had.... I remember being so exhausted and exhilarated by the process. Oh the depths of dispair when I realized I would NEVER learn the full extent of my instrument, since the voice is ever evolving, ever changing physiologically, and we ever ever having to readjust, relearn, reinterpret instruction we've already learned. And oh the JOY! When I barrelled through the walls that separated me from the next breathlessly exhilarating musical moment.And Piano was a big flop for me, but it had its sparkle too! I just don't have the fingers for it, I think.
And now guitar- I can't believe how excited I am to just start it, like a little kid. Like my first day of classes as an official music student- I got to make music ALL DAY! And it was my JOB! I skipped to classes LITERALLY for my first semester even though those classes were so freaking hard, and I often left crying my eyes out. I also laughed my way out the any funk in the beginning because I was just so...grateful.
Grateful. To sing, and to make music. I'm making music!
I just get so emotional about this. I don't think people realize why. What it means to me, to know that when I open my mouth, and sing- its the sweet fragrance of worship to God- that he is pleased when I sing! And heaven hears, and the people around me hear- and I know miraculously that I'm not talking to them with my body but with my soul- and their souls are responding. I am the most human, the most me, the most free when I am making music and singing and fighting with myself and looking fear in the eye and moving past it into the music because its so worth that little war within me. Its just...crazy to me. So mind boggling.
And I've taken it for granted the last three years.Yes, I've been singing- but have I been SINGING? Have I worked to challenge myself to become a better singer, a better musician? Have I been willing to suffer to make it happen? I've been so paralyzed by fear- so fixated on my failures as a musician in music school, when all along this music in me has been just simmering under the surface, restless for release. I let the fire die a little- but the embers are still there. I only have to lay wood on the fire, and stoke the flame.
And I am becoming more and more resolved, with each passing day- to let it burn away.
I recently talked to a guy who literally does hard, metal working labor, does every odd gig that comes his way- just to pay rent, just so he can keep music alive in his life. He might have the life of a gypsy- but that gypsy heart is wise, because it knows where to find its nourishment. I listened to him talk, and I felt the twinge of conviction.
What excuse do I have? How can I not let music live in me? How can I not fight to keep this in my life?
Why am I so afraid to work for the one thing I absolutely know I want?
Here is the truth of it. God is not going to hand me the ability to play guitar- its not gonna land in my lap. I have calluses to build onto these abnormally small fingertips- muscle memory to build, guitar theory to learn. I have that terrifying moment of having to play infront of people before I feel like I really sound good- because its good for me to be a little uncomfortable- because it will make me a better musician.
And I have songs to write. In me. I've been afraid- but I think they're there. Who knows if they'll be good enough to let other people hear- but I shouldn't be afraid to write them out, and down, and to sing them. I shouldn't be afraid to enjoy the process, or to offer them up to the Lord as incense.
God is in the sweat, and toil, and tears that are coming. He's there on the other side of the brick walls I'm going to have to break through. He's in every coming success, and every coming failure.
Pray for me friends- because I'm gonna let this fire burn, I'm giving this up to God to release in me, and I don't know what its going to look like - I don't know what any of this means yet, really. I just know God's doing something in me that feels...big.
And I'm SO EXCITED!!!!
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Risk taking! Lets make music...
Hello!
Messing around with this blog today, trying to decide whether to keep it, since I haven't written in it in over a year. But based on a recent decision to make a conscious decision write more often, to allow myself more risks, and be more creative- I've decided to keep this thing going. Why not? The world is full of people not taking risks, sitting around hating themselves for it. I've decided I don't want to be one of them.
Risk number 1- relentlessly pursue music.Art. Life. And gratitude for it all in the midst of everything. I'm going to pursue music for fun, and if it turns into something more- then awesome. The pressure to live up to my talents and gifts has faded- the angst of knowing my own failures as a musician and a singer in comparision to other peopel has faded. The only thing I want to do now is make music because I was created to make music- and to write- and to see the miracle of creation around me, and to want to articulate it by whatever means seems the most natural and worshipful. I create, because I was created. I sing, because I was sung into existence. I dance because joy puts wings on my heart- because I am not alone, and I am loved beyond all measure.
One of the most freeing realizations I've had all week- I was BORN to DO THIS!!!! I was born to be this- to worship, and to sing and to write and to see shape and light and color and to create. This is the best realization ever.
We'll see how this risk will pan out- but for right now, I'm just doing something little everyday and allowing myself to actively dream and sing outloud in strange places again. I can't believe how great this week has been, just doing that.
Every noticed this? that when you open your heart a crack- and the rushing wind of God has this habit of sweeping the door open the rest of the way and causing a beautiful kind of ruckus in your heart?
Oh the gift of it.
Messing around with this blog today, trying to decide whether to keep it, since I haven't written in it in over a year. But based on a recent decision to make a conscious decision write more often, to allow myself more risks, and be more creative- I've decided to keep this thing going. Why not? The world is full of people not taking risks, sitting around hating themselves for it. I've decided I don't want to be one of them.
Risk number 1- relentlessly pursue music.Art. Life. And gratitude for it all in the midst of everything. I'm going to pursue music for fun, and if it turns into something more- then awesome. The pressure to live up to my talents and gifts has faded- the angst of knowing my own failures as a musician and a singer in comparision to other peopel has faded. The only thing I want to do now is make music because I was created to make music- and to write- and to see the miracle of creation around me, and to want to articulate it by whatever means seems the most natural and worshipful. I create, because I was created. I sing, because I was sung into existence. I dance because joy puts wings on my heart- because I am not alone, and I am loved beyond all measure.
One of the most freeing realizations I've had all week- I was BORN to DO THIS!!!! I was born to be this- to worship, and to sing and to write and to see shape and light and color and to create. This is the best realization ever.
We'll see how this risk will pan out- but for right now, I'm just doing something little everyday and allowing myself to actively dream and sing outloud in strange places again. I can't believe how great this week has been, just doing that.
Every noticed this? that when you open your heart a crack- and the rushing wind of God has this habit of sweeping the door open the rest of the way and causing a beautiful kind of ruckus in your heart?
Oh the gift of it.
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