Fragrance and Fire

Okay, so took my first guitar lesson. I forgot how strange and disorienting the first experience with an instrument of any kind is.

 My voice was built in- but the process of beginning classical training was so overwhelming- the posture, the breathing, the strange language of music, the soft palate raised, the lip trills and the phonating in registers I didn't think I had.... I remember being so exhausted and exhilarated by the process. Oh the depths of dispair when I realized I would NEVER learn the full extent of my instrument, since the voice is ever evolving, ever changing physiologically, and we ever ever having to readjust, relearn, reinterpret instruction we've already learned. And oh the JOY! When I barrelled through the walls that separated me from the next breathlessly exhilarating musical moment.And Piano was a big flop for me, but it had its sparkle too! I just don't have the fingers for it, I think.

And now guitar- I can't believe how excited I am to just start it, like a little kid. Like my first day of classes as an official music student- I got to make music ALL DAY! And it was my JOB! I skipped to classes LITERALLY for my first semester even though those classes were so freaking hard, and I often left crying my eyes out. I also laughed my way out the any funk in the beginning because I was just so...grateful.


Grateful. To sing, and to make music. I'm making music!

 I just get so emotional about this. I don't think people realize why. What it means to me, to know that when I open my mouth, and sing-  its the sweet fragrance of worship to God- that he is pleased when I sing! And heaven hears, and the people around me hear- and I know miraculously that I'm not talking to them with my body but with my soul- and their souls are responding. I am the most human, the most me, the most free when I am making music and singing and fighting with myself and looking fear in the eye and moving past it into the music because its  so worth that little war within me. Its just...crazy to me. So mind boggling.

And I've taken it for granted the last three years.Yes, I've been singing- but have I been SINGING? Have I worked to challenge myself to become a better singer, a better musician? Have I been willing to suffer to make it happen? I've been so paralyzed by fear- so fixated on my failures as a musician in music school, when all along this music in me has been just simmering under the surface, restless for release. I let the fire die a little- but the embers are still there. I only have to lay wood on the fire, and stoke the flame.

And I am becoming more and more resolved, with each passing day- to let it burn away.


I recently talked to a guy who literally does hard, metal working labor, does every odd gig that comes his way- just to pay rent, just so he can keep music alive in his life. He might have the life of a gypsy- but that gypsy heart is wise, because it knows where to find its nourishment. I listened to him talk, and I felt the twinge of conviction.

What excuse do I have? How can I not let music live in me? How can I not fight to keep this in my life?

Why am I so afraid to work for the one thing I absolutely know I want?

Here is the truth of it. God is not going to hand me the ability to play guitar- its not gonna land in my lap. I have calluses to build onto these abnormally small fingertips- muscle memory to build, guitar theory to learn. I have that terrifying moment of having to play infront of people before I feel like I really sound good- because its good for me to be a little uncomfortable- because it will make me a better musician.

And I have songs to write. In me. I've been afraid- but I think they're there. Who knows if they'll be good enough to let other people hear- but I shouldn't be afraid to write them out, and down, and to sing them. I shouldn't be afraid to enjoy the process, or to offer them up to the Lord as incense.

God is in the sweat, and toil, and tears that are coming. He's there on the other side of the brick walls I'm going to have to break through. He's in every coming success, and every coming failure.

Pray for me friends- because I'm gonna let this fire burn, I'm giving this up to God to release in me, and I don't know what its going to look like - I don't know what any of this means yet, really. I just know God's doing something in me that feels...big.

And I'm SO EXCITED!!!!